Long, catch upy and somewhat vow-making.

It's been a long time, and my apologies for that. Life sledded its' way downhill at an alarming speed and I've spent the last few months just trying to catch up. Long story short work dried up, so I had to get a pretty horrific full time job doing customer service over the phone, which left no time to pursue anything creative. My grandmother (on my fathers' side) was going to be fine, but then my uncle (on my mothers' side) was diagnosed with a terminal disease and moved into our basement in Colorado because he had no where else to go. Now my grandmother is not going to be fine and my family is in the process of pursuing treatment options around the US. We went to visit her and when I got back to LA, without any warning, there was a for sale sign in my front yard. Those are the big things, but really, everything in life suddenly and viciously turned on me. Describing it to other people, it didn't even sound real in my own ears because it was just so much, so big, so horrible, that it couldn't be true. I've led a very happy and tragedy-free life up until this point, so I couldn't process everything for a very long time. I'd get my head around one thing and the next would rear its' ugly head from whatever depths I'd buried it in and punch me in the solar plexus. I have since quit that job, and I did find a new place that I adore and cannot wait to move into (end of this month), but it's been hard to shake the negativity that has been dogging me.

Tonight is the night of the 4th of July. I went to Long Beach and ate at a BBQ and cruised the aquarium, pet sharks and sting rays, and watched at least 12 different fire works shows at once while driving home on a hill overlooking LA. I did all of this by myself, at first feeling a little pathetic and foolish, but as the night went on becoming more and more at ease. I've now come to the realization that this is life. This is my life happening right now. And I can spend it being heartbroken and worried and in my head, or I can open my eyes and take in what's around me. It's okay to be upset (I think it's an appropriate reaction to the goings on of late), but I've been rolling around in a mud of depression; sleeping in it, bathing in it, dressing in it. It's taken me out of my body and into a world that I have no desire to spend anymore time in. Yes, more pain is on the horizon, but I'll deal with that when it comes. And even then try to keep in perspective the fact that mortality is what makes life precious. It drives us to try, pursue, succeed. To make a mark. I can't guarantee that I'll accomplish these endeavors, but I do feel better right now, and I want to continue feeling better.

Perhaps this entry is too personal and if so, I apologize. I did want to explain my absence to whomever may pay attention, and also just get some of this stuff out of my head and onto cyberpaper. Thanks for reading.

P.S. I also bought a turtle necklace I named Winston.